It frustrates me that I keep hearing the same stories from moms, dads, and stepparents who are dealing with parenting a child after a divorce. It hurts my heart watching kids ping-pong between two parents and two families in silent pain, and quite frankly, I’m tired of reading parents’ Facebook rants. So, here is my input on the whole divorce/blended family parenting thing. As a child from a broken home and the mother of a blended family myself, I can relate to what all you adult members in a blended family are going through first hand, as well as what the child(ren) are going through. Divorce is never easy on anyone involved, and trying to merge a blended family after divorce is even harder. There is a reason that God spoke against divorce, and there is a reason why polygamy or polyandry (which is when a woman has multiple husbands, though it’s not as common) aren’t the way God designed a family to be. It is hard enough for two parents who have different opinions, fears, concerns and traditions to raise a child, much less trying to add more people in the mix. Also, let’s not forget all the emotional baggage that divorce brings with it- hurt feelings, anger, frustrations, jealousy, resentment, and the list could go on. It can be hard- very hard. But if you can learn to parent a child after a divorce right, the reward can be wonderful- really, truly wonderful.
I met my bonus-son (we just recently started calling each other that and I love it; no one gets “stepped” on) when he was just 3 months old. I was dating a guy who was friends with my now husband and his wife at the time and we all hung out together sometimes. I didn’t know it then, but God was going to cross our paths in an intimate way later on down the road. Back then, however, my bonus-son was just another cute baby for me to play with and love on. By the time I started dating my future husband, my bonus-son was a little over two and a half. He was not yet old enough to know what had changed and happened in his short little life, but he was old enough to know that his world had been torn apart. He was dealing with his own feelings, fears, and anxieties before I ever even stepped into the picture. He was just a little guy dealing with some very big emotions. When my husband and I got married, I made a commitment to not only love and cherish my husband for the rest of my life, but I made a commitment to his son as well. I knew that one didn’t come without the other. They were a package deal, and we had an “instant family.” That didn’t mean that we would come out of the chapel and instantaneously live happily ever after. It doesn’t work like that, especially when you have a blended family. The best way I’ve heard it described is by someone who said that most people think a blended family is like a microwave meal. You walk down the aisle, say your vows, and voila! Everything just mixes together magically. But a blended family is more like a crock-pot. You have to put all the ingredients in there together, and then you have to give them time to really merge and blend into one another. However, when the meal’s done, it’s much more delicious than the microwave version.
I knew I was marrying my husband and his son, but no one ever told me that I was also committing my life to my husband’s ex-wife too, as well as she was to me. We are all part of a family. That doesn’t mean we always agree or get along, though. We’ve had our bumps in the road and our rough patches over the years, but my bonus-son has four parents since his mother has remarried as well. Not two, not three- four. He has four different people who love him unconditionally, four people with four opinions who, together, are all trying to raise him to be the best he can be.
When you have that many hands in the pot, someone is bound to get angry or hurt or left out. There will be times when you have to compromise, agree to disagree, and even lose a battle here and there. It really is like a marriage in that aspect. We all learned long ago, however, that the number one thing was to support each other. Even when we disagree, we make sure that we stand united as parents to our son. The common rule amongst the four of us is that we never bash the other parents. PERIOD! We try not to even have a conversation between spouses about something we disagree with the other set of parents about when he is in the same house. He doesn’t need to even overhear us by accident. No, we haven’t always been great, and no, we haven’t always done this perfectly. We are parents and all parents make mistakes. But we do know that it’s not about us; that this is about him, and that is our focus.
You’re asking, “Why is this so important?” “What about my feelings, my hurts; the way he/she/they treat me or what they did to me?” or even, “I don’t want the other mother/father to replace me.” Let’s get one thing straight. YOU are the PARENT. It’s time to grow up and start acting like one. Don’t make this all about you. Divorce is never just about you, and neither is blending a family. This goes for the “new” parent(s) as well. No one can ever replace a child’s biological parents. There is a bond there that can’t be duplicated. However, that bond can be eroded and made weak by trying so desperately to keep it strong. When you don’t embrace your child’s other parent(s), you are only hurting your child. Oh, you hurt the ex and their spouse, don’t get me wrong. If that is your main goal, then good job, you accomplished it. But by hurting your child’s other parents, you caused that much more pain in your child’s heart. You see, when the new family gets married, the child involved feels like there is now a battle or competition for their mothers’/fathers’ place already. You don’t have to initiate that struggle- it already exists for them. They wonder if they are going to hurt mom or dad’s feelings if they like the new step-parent, or if they are going to hurt the step-parent’s feelings if they don’t- they wonder if the new parent will try to take the place of mom or dad or if mom or dad will now fade into the background. The child will chose the biological parent over the step-parent 99% of the time. But when the child feels like they have to choose, they are left feeling sad and confused with a torn heart, trying to work hard not to like someone that they know is trying to love them, and that they want to love back.
When you pull on a child like this, you are putting pressure on them just to make you feel better. Sounds pretty selfish when I put it that way, doesn’t it? Well, it IS selfish. Like I said, this goes for the “new” parent(s) as well. I’ve seen this game played both ways, neither of which is pretty.
You want to know the best thing you can do for your child when it comes to a blended family? Are you ready? Because it’s pretty radical…pray. I know! It sounds too easy, doesn’t it? Yes, pray for each member of the other family, and pray for them with your child. Let your child know that you want the best for them and for that family, and that it’s okay for your child to love that family too. Be careful not to use this prayer time as a way to sneak little jabs at the other family, though. Honestly pray blessings over the other family, pray for their marriage to be strong, and for their lives to prosper. Pray for their health and any other children that are brought into the mix. Pray for their salvation if they aren’t saved, and pray for their relationship with Jesus to grow if they are. Genuinely pray for them. Even if it’s hard for you and you have to fake your way through it, pray anyway. God will eventually change your heart, because He’s awesome like that.
Be cautious, though. Even if you are praying, you can still counteract that with your actions. Here are some things to make sure you don’t do:
*Don’t get on Facebook and bash them for all the world to see.
*Don’t talk to mutual friends or family members about things they do that make you mad.
*Don’t use drop-off and pick-up times as a way to corner the other parents and talk about disagreements.
*Don’t say anything sarcastic or negative about the other family in front of or around the child, even jokingly.
*Don’t make your child feel guilty for having fun or loving the other family.
Instead, be happy for your child when they leave and happy for them when they return. When your child tells you how much fun they had or what exciting things are going on at their other house, act excited too. Embrace those moments with joy and support. Let your child relax a little. Let them know that they don’t have to stress over hurting someone’s feelings just because they like the other family or had fun over there. If they came home and had showers of money spent on them, when you can’t afford to do the same thing, don’t talk about how they should pay more in child support or how you shouldn’t have to pay so much, or how it “must be nice” to be able to afford that. Enjoy the moments of fun and memories that your child just had. This is their childhood. Don’t put your black cloud over it! They’ll have enough grown-up problems to worry about when they grow up. Let them be a kid! Let them off the hook from having to make you happy. That’s not their job.
Whether you’re the mom, dad, bonus-mom, or bonus-dad, remember that you are all in this together. Sorry if you don’t like it, but it’s the way things are. For the most part, you won’t have to interact after they graduate college except for weddings, births, and the occasional birthday party. But for right now, while there is still a child that you are all raising, you are that child’s family. All of you are, together. You may not like each other, but you all love and care about the same kid. Stop making it about you, and start making it about them. If you all work together, then you will all be happier, because you will have taken the responsibility of your happiness off the child(ren), which is how it should be. I know it’s hard, especially if the other parent(s) aren’t doing this. But I love the old saying that says, “Be the kind of person that if someone says something bad about you, no one would believe it.”While I know this is not easy and you will have to swallow a lot of pride, this is completely doable.
My husband and I have not always gotten along with his ex-wife and her husband. We have had our moments where we didn’t much like each other, and quite frankly wished the other would just go away. I’ve been there, we’ve walked that road. We still walk that road at times. But I can tell you that I can see a peace that comes over our son when we are all united. There is a sense of burden that is lifted from his shoulders when we support each other and care more about his happiness and his wholeness then we do our own. He enjoys his time at both of his houses and feels the freedom to love both of his families openly. It’s hard enough on a kid to have two homes, two families, and multiple parents. Why not make it a little bit easier on them and a little bit better for you? Who knows, maybe one day that child might actually thank you for showing them genuine selfless love by allowing them to truly love the other family. That, my friends, is a very rewarding feeling and a very happy day! Trust me, you’ll thank me for this when they’re older. 😉
Angela M Wilkerson 